This summer was great. I had the luxury of not working and spending a whole lot of extra time with my son, my friends, and my mother. The last time I had such a great summer was when I lived in Ocean City.
It started with a trip to Virginia Beach. This was nice but I could have done without the sunburn. My mom would like to forget the crab dinner we had, and I don't blame her one bit. Julian loved staying in a hotel so much that he now wants to live in one. If I had the money to just throw away, I would book a night in one locally just for us to camp out. It was great to have one last vacation with my son before his sister's arrival.
Julian graduated kindergarten. I was very proud of him and he was of himself.
Julian also started T-ball. I was happily surprised at how well he did and how much he enjoyed it. I hope to be able to get him in it again this season.
Julian's dad got married and Julian was the ring bearer. I think it is wonderful that my son got to witness this and he will never forget it. According to his dad, Julian was a bigger hit than the bride and groom.
We spent a lot of time at the pool as well. I achieved a nice tan which has never happened before. Julian is becoming quite the swimmer and he loves being in the water.
Thats it in a nutshell. There were side trips here and there and lots of late night coffee chats with my girl April. I gave birth to my daughter of course ( already blogged about that).
Summer is over. I am sad of course because this means I will not be spending as much time with Julian. He started the first grade this week and things will go back to normal. He wants to be with me full time, but his dad isnt keen on the idea. ( I cant blame him, I would not want Julian to be with his dad full time) I wont get too into that subject though.
As of right now, I am not a happy person. I feel completely out of sync with the outside world and all the people in it. The thought of participating in the outside world makes me want to hide in the corner and close my eyes. I chalk this up to many factors...
a.) I have no patience for anyone else's stuff right now. I can barely stand my own issues, yet alone take on other peoples. I'm not saying I dont want to listen to my friends or be there for them. I do and always will. I just dont think I have the patience to hold back. I am afraid I will say something hurtful and mean. I know myself well enough to know that when I am in this state of mind, I will not hold back. I dont set out to intentionally hurt anyone, but when I am hurting, I seem to hurt others. I am trying to avoid that this time around. The very few friends I have, I cherish with all of my being. To lose them because I was mean, would suck.
b.) My daughter is not a happy baby. I was spoiled with Lennon and Julian. I know they cried, but not like this. When I look back now on their infancy, I only see smiles and happiness. I know this isnt accurate and that because I am having such a hard time with Sadie, I am making this all up in my head. Still, Sadie is a complete opposite of her brothers. If she isnt sleeping or eating, she is crying. She is still on her own schedule and that schedule does not allow me to get much done unless I want to forgo sleep. ( Which I happen to be doing right now along with laundry) I have never felt this way towards any of my children and I am afraid to admit it but I will. I need a break. A long break. That is so awful to say, think, and feel. I hate that this is supposed to be a time of bonding for the two of us, and I just want to run away. I understand that she is a baby and she may, if I am lucky, grow out of this. But, I feel like she does not like me. I feel like I am a bad mother because I cannot fix whatever is wrong with her. I look forward to midnight because I know she will be asleep soon, and I can just sleep and forget the day. Most mothers, single or not, would love to have this time with their babies. I want to work right now!! ( yes, even though i am scared of the outside world) I cannot look to the time when my daughter and I have a normal schedule because this just seems neverending to me. When others come around, I hand her over with joy because I just need a break so badly. I used to hand over Lennon and Julian and take them back minutes later because I missed the feel of them in my arms.
Dont get me wrong. I love my daughter with every being in my body. I know that I am not the other mother who went through this. But when you are the one going through it, it just feels like you are alone in the world. My kids are my world and though my world is not aligned right now, I know it will get there eventually.
c.) I am so utterly disgusted with my body. Utterly is a good word because that reminds me of how my stomach is. If I walked on all fours, I would very much resemble a cow. ( You laugh, but if I demonstrated, you wouldn't.) Nothing and I mean nothing fits me except for a few pairs of pj bottoms. I cannot afford to by myself clothes, but if I could, I would just buy a tent to wear. My stomach is ruined. My ass doubled in its size, and you could use my hips as runways for airplanes. I dont have a double chin anymore, I have a quad-chin. My arm flab could knock you out if you got to close and my legs double as tree stumps. Even my feet got bigger which is a big deal because my feet were always skeletal.
What man in their right mind would find this attractive? I know if I was looking at a overweight man with strechmarks and a stomach that hid his happy parts, I would look away. I don't feel comfortable though so who cares about men right now. I just want to go to the grocery store and not look like an elephant that escaped from the zoo.
All this can be fixed you say? Oh, well great I will get right on that. Because I have the time and energy and money to exercise, buy clothes that fit, and eat right. Well damn, if Hedi Klum can have 4 kids and walk on the frickin runway 2 weeks later, how come I can't. Give me two days to switch places with that woman, and she will start to resemble me, I promise you.
( okay, somehow i hit a couple wrong keys on my keyboard, and its all bold print now. this is not to show my anger or anything, i just cant figure out how to get it back to normal)
Needless to say, the thought of going out with friends is scary. I really want to, but I cannot go in public like this. Its okay for my mom and my close friends to see me, but no one else. I cannot afford to go out and no one can watch my kids, so its a mute point. The fact remains though, I would hide in a corner and be a complete bummer.
I need to get drunk. Just throwing that in there. I am sure none of you reading this are surprised that that is all I want for Christmas.
I also want to throw this out there: IF ONE MORE MAN DEMANDS A PATERNITY TEST, I WILL GO POSTAL ON THEIR ASS!!!! ( that was meant to be bold and in capital letters) SERIOUSLY. GROW THE F*@#* UP! YOU THINK ITS FUNNY TO MAKE YOUR CHILD WAIT FOR CHILD SUPPORT? ITS NOT. YOU THINK ITS FUNNY THAT YOU WILL BE FORKING OUT 350 DOLLARS FOR THE TEST PLUS ALL THE BACK PAY ON THE CHILD SUPPORT? YOUR RIGHT, THAT IS FRICKING FUNNY.
I really know how pick em dont I?
There will be part two to all this. I got all riled up writing it and I need to take a break. Plus, Sadie will be waking up soon for another day of crying. I have to prepare.
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1 comment:
Thought none of this is news to me, I just want to say that I know for a fact it will get better. I've not experienced everything that you have, but some of it. I know that when you're not alone, you can get through almost anything. And you, my dear, are not alone. It sucks right now, and you really can't change that. You just have to work on tomorrow even if it's a tiny, tiny bit at a time. It'll all pay off.
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