Get off my road!

Here is a list of things NOT to do if I am on the road:
1.) Do not forget your turn signal. If you do, and I accidently run into your back bumper, its all your fault. I will say so too. Loudly!
2.) Get off my butt. If I wanted to drive faster, I would. If you are in a hurry, you should have left earlier dumbass. This does not work both ways though. I am in a hurry, so move out of my way.
3.) If you are afraid to drive on a highway, then please, for the sake of all mankind, don't drive on the highway.
4.) If I can only see you hair, you should not be driving at all. Not even in your driveway. Stay home and ask for rides. I can be a taxi. 25 dollars a ride. ( You think thats funny, but I know two blondes that paid that much in N.Y.C.)
5.) If you drive a Lincoln or Cadillac and enjoy doing so on Sundays, stop now. Its really starting to bug me. Where are you going anyway? You cant hear whats going on in church, and most of your friends are on the other side. Stay home and watch old westerns on t.v.
6.) If I am in the car with you, and you got lucky enough that day that I let you drive, please drive according to my standards. Do not play loud music and talk the whole time without turning the music down. Do not slam your brakes everytime you need to use them or I will throw up on you. Do not make me listen to Christian music. I will have set your radio to stations I enjoy, so just press those buttons. DO NOT TEXT while you are driving. Wait. You can do it. I promise.
7.) If I am driving and you are riding please adhere to these simple rules: Try to refrain from pushing on those imaginary brakes. It may look like I am too close, but trust me, I know when to stop. Do not turn my music down or off. As a matter of fact, do not touch radio at all. Part of the enjoyment I get from driving is the music I hear while doing so. If you make me miss a good radio day, I will be angry. I will promise to turn it down while we are talking. But take note that I said I will turn it down. Do not scream because you see a cute animal or something. I might let it slide if you see an attractive man, but probably not because I will be having a heart attack.
8.) When you are at a four way intersection and I am waving you on, please just go. Dont wave back at me to go because I just told your slow ass to go. You are wasting my time. I am trying to be nice and you are not helping my cosmic karma.
9.) Yes, the speed limit may say 35, but they really meant 45. When you will understand that?
10.) If you are going to look at me, you better smile. If you stare and do not produce a smile, I will say something mean about you behind your back.

I reserve the right to add, change, and enforce these rules at anytime I so desire. Thank you for your time.