POP goes MTV

I never miss an MTV movie or video music award. As a matter of fact, I don't think I have missed one since 1994. The year of the infamous M.J. and Priscella Presley kiss. I was a youngin then, but I remember being grossed out by it. Well, this year, I was grossed out by a lot of things on the VMA's.

First off, lets just call music what it is now. Shit. Every person on there does the same thing year after  year, and people are still buying into it. I am not. Kings of Leon was nominated yes. I will give credit there because they are good. Green Day, oh you poor boys that only know a few chords and sing the same damn song again and again. Lucky for you, thats what these kids like. I liked you back in the day. Until I realized I had heard it all before. I am getting ahead of myself here. Let me start from the beginning.

The M.J. tribute. It was okay. The dancing was cool because they played his videos on the screen and the dancers on the stage were mimicking the moves perfectly. Janet came out and did the same. Other than that, it was lame. I hope this does not contiue for every award show till the end of time though. Yeah, he was a great entertainer, yes he died to soon, but come on.

Russell Brand was the host again. If you do not know who he is, please go to your nearest Redbox and rent Forgetting Sarah Marshall. He is a funny man if you like that kind of humor. Which I normally do. Tonight I learned that Russell is better in small doses. His voice really started to get on my nerves tonight. And he seems a bit obssessed with Lady GagGag. ( I stole that name from my mother. Thank you mom, but it is now mine)

Speaking of Ms. GagGag. Wait, hold on................................ok..no wait................ugh. Ok, I am better. I just had to throw up again. I think I can continue on now. Maybe if I try to not say her name I can get through this paragraph without throwing up again. That woman was downright strange tonight. First of all, how many times do you need to change your crazy ass outfits? Second, do you really want to look like an eskimo that had sex with a lion? Thirdly, do you think it is approiate to pretend you have been stabbed and then pretend you are dead? Russell Brand mentioned that there are rumors on the internet that she is not a woman. May I present you, Russell Brand, with my award for the evening. It is the NO SHIT award. Congrats to you. She is not a woman. She is not a man either. She is a martian from the planet Weird. Bjork and those Flock of Seagull guys also came from there. Look what happened to them. I do hope the same happens to GagGag. I hope that in a couple years she will just be in flashback moments and people will say, " I think she is now back on her planet designing clothes for her fellow martians."

Kanye West. A.K.A.- The man who needs attention. The little boy I should say. There is not an awards show that goes by that he does not cause some kind of scene that is just completely rude. Tonight, he topped himself in my opinion. Little sweet Taylor Swift won an award for best new video. Beyonce was in this category. Taylor was on stage in the middle of accepting her precious moon man statue, when Kanye got up there, took the mic out of her hands, and said, " I am sorry Taylor, and I will let you finish, but Beyonce has the best video EVER. BEST VIDEO EVER."  Poor Swifty just stood there looking like a doe ( wait, I think baby female deers are fawns. I'm not sure.) caught in the headlights. Then MTV proceeds to wisk her off the stage. The people were booin. What an ass that Kanye is. Beyonce saved the day though. Mrs. Jay Z later won the award for Video of the Year, which I think is an annoying ass song by the way. She won and instead of giving her speech, she told Taylor to come back out and finish enjoying her time in the spotlight. What a lady that Beyonce is.

Of course no award show in the past couple years is complete without the cast of Twilight. Robert Pattison is so gay, and everytime I see him, my gaydar starts flipping out. I have a friend who is obviously not getting her gaydar inspected yearly, so she is in love with him. It is fitting that he plays a vampire in these movies. He looks like one even when he isnt shooting the movie. Speaking of vampire movies, have you noticed that vampire tv shows and movies are everywhere now? Have you also noticed that as soon as one thing becomes popular on tv or in the movies, there will literally be 50 clones of it out the next week? Has it always been like that? Think if Back to the Future would have been made in this decade.

Pink was actually good, which does not surprise me. Apparently, not only can she sing and write some great songs, but she is an acrobat.

Mr. Beyonce along with Alicia Keys was cool. As a minor fan of very few rap songs, Jay Z is by far the best there is.

That's about all really. Whatever I forgot to mention was because it was not worth mentioning. Where was Kings of Leon?

I would like to say this...I am aware that I am talking shit on people who make millions a year, most are pretty, and they have some talent ( except gag girl). I am also aware that I am just a thirty year old, single mom, unemployeed, and overweight. Talking crap about these people makes me feel better about all that so I will continue to do it until one of them kills me. Which would never happen because they would never read this.

Also, I seem to not be spelling so well lately and I cant find the damn spell check on this. I see my errors and wish for y ou not to comment on them. Thank you. Thank you for reading.

And please, if you missed any of these things I just blogged about, please go to You Tube and check em out. I would have put links to the videos on here if I were smart enough to figure out how to get them on.

People problems

Hello followers. It is 7:17 a.m. I have been up since 4:45 a.m. I went to bed at a semi early time last night, so I thought I would just stay up and get some stuff done. One of those things to get done is to write another blog. So here it is.

First, let me prove to you how badly I miss my son when he is not with me. I stood outside my back door just now to watch his school bus go by. I do not know if he saw me, but I was watching. I miss that little man. Yes, its true that when I only have one kid, I seem to be calmer and such, but I still miss him. Julian is one of a kind and if you met  him, you would agree. He has charm coming out of his butt and it is impossible for anyone not to love that kid. He is going to do wonderful things in life I just know it.

It seems as though fall is here in full swing. The seasons are so strange and they get stranger every year. I love fall though, so I am happy to see it. I love fall smells, halloween, thanksgiving, hayrides, and the fact I can hide my scary body in big sweatshirts! Do not expect to see me in anything but jeans and sweatshirts this fall/winter.

I have been forcing myself to go out in public. Mostly for my kids and friends sake though. I need a treadmill or an elipitcal. If you or anyone you know has one that they do not want, send it my way. Until I get one of those, I will be not so happy about going out. Those two pieces of eqiupment are the only way I like to exercise.

Big Brother is coming to end next week. I am sad, but there are other things on tv to look forward to. Grey's Anatomy, Survivor, Amazing Race, and Top Chef which is currently on. I love that show. This season's cast is amazing and they are cooking some stuff I have never heard of.  Other things to look forward to in my life are the Deadliest Catch forum my mom and I are going to. It is in York and it will feature the manly men from my favorite ship, the Time Bandit. Also, my mom got tickets for the Wizard of Oz play in Hershey. We are taking Julian and I hope he loves it. ( April, remind me to remind you of all this again.)

Some things I am not looking forward to are Christmas. I love Christmas. I love to decorate and make cookies. Being that my mom went crazy last year and bought me enough ornaments to start my own Christmas store, decorating is easy. What isn't easy is buying gifts for one kid. Now I have two to buy for. Granted, Sadie will not need much of anything being that she will be six months old, but still. This is why I love layway. I plan on starting next week. Sadly, the one store that still offers layaway is Kmart. I say sadly because at Kmart your choices are limited. So if anyone is interested, I would like to start a petition for Walmart and Target. Walmart used to have layaway. I think they stopped two years ago. I am not sure if Target ever offered it, but they really should. Just because I love that store. I might do Christmas a little different this year. Julian really does not need anymore toys. He is 6 and while he still likes his superhero's and such, I feel like he has enough. I will get him a bunch of Pokemon cards of course. I would love to get him the entire Harry Potter book series as well. But really, those things and some clothes will be about it for him. Sadie will get some baby development toys and clothes, but that is all. I wish I could buy all my loved ones gifts. I love giving people gifts and it pains me when I am out and see something I know someone would love and I cannot get it for them. Please do not take my lack of gift giving to heart. Trust me when I tell you that if I could, I would be giving you gifts everyday of the year.

What do I want for Christmas? I want to get drunk one night and have someone watch my kids that night and the next day. ( Yes, I understand how ridiculous this request sounds. I DONT CARE!) I want a job and I want Beatles Rockband. The first two things I see happening. The Beatles Rockband costs like 400 dollars I think, so yeah, no. Oh, and that treadmill I talked about earlier. I want snow on Christmas too. When was the last time that actually happened?

Sadie is two months old now! She seems to have more good days than bad I guess. When I am calm, she of course is calm too. So I need to learn to remain calm, cool, and collected when I have two kids at my feet. I wonder how I make ends meet? ( Five points and a home cooked meal to anyone who names the song I just quoted. April, you are not allowed to answer because I know this is your favorite.)

That's all for now. The washing machine if ready for another load. I am ready for a shower.

As if I didn't have enough to worry about

So it seems that recently I have been discussing a pretty serious issue with friends and family. That issue being the end of the world. I am not going to preach or even pretend to know that it is in fact going to happen or has already started to happen. I just thought I would share my thoughts on it.

I have noticed an increase in bugs. They are everywhere. This morning, I woke up to a spider staring me in my eye. No, I did not go poo poo in my pants. I was calm and then killed the bitch. ( I assume it was a girl spider) Mosquitoes are everywhere as my son can tell  you. His face looks like a 15 year olds because of all the bites. My friends who attend football are being eaten alive. I swear they look smaller everytime I see them because the bugs are literally eating them. And I keep seeing stories about the bee's that just decided to hide for no reason.

Violence in the world seems to be at an all time high as well. Now, could this be because I am looking for signs of chaos? Is it because the journalists just decided to report about all the bad stuff? I don't know, but it is clear that violence is running rampant these days.

According to some ancient beliefs in some cultures, the world is going to end in the year 2012. This means we have a little over 3 years left here on earth. If you choose to believe this. I am not saying I do or don't believe. But if I did, I would be pissed off.

I want to watch my children grow up damnit. I want to write a book. I want to own a home and a car with a.c. in it. How am I supposed to do these things if the world will end? I would also like to have sex again before the world ends, but that is getting a little personal. I digress.

So, if this theory is true, I want a list of stuff to accomplish before 2012. Here is the couple things I have thought of so far. This is not just what I want for myself, but for the world.

                                    THIS SHOULD HAPPEN BEFORE "KABOOM"

• Would someone please explain why Oprah is so damn popular? Why does everyone follow her like she is the all-knowing messiah sent here to save the world one book club, favorite thing, and dr. oz episode at a time? I just want to know why before I die.
• I would  like to watch an execution of a child murderer. I would also like to pick the way in which that person will be executed. I do not want to perform the execution though. 
• I want the world to smell better. Just for a day. Pass out a Yankee candle to everyone and make them burn it at the same time. 
• Could everyone who owns a Lady GaGa cd, please throw them away. 
• Message to the FBI: Please please tell us all  your secrets. 
• Everyone should receive a pass to amusement park of your choice for a day. Split it up so it is not too crowded. 
• If the world is going to end, well, what is the point in school? Allow children to be released from school to spend the remaining time with family and friends. 
• Jake- I will be free on Nov 25th, 2010. Meet me at my place. 
• This is a personal request. Every first Monday of the month from now until world's end, is stay off the road day. For everyone. Except me. I get all roads just to myself. 
• Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks. You can afford to give us all free coffee from now until the world's demise. Please put this into effect as soon as possible.
• Goodbye taxes! Hello sales prices everyday!
• No fighting, no looting, and no burning. 

This my friends is what I want. What do you want? This is your fantasy, so it can be as crazy and unrealistic as you desire. Share.
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I love to hate

I finally seem to have some peace and quiet and here I am doing another blog. I should be cleaning, showering, and sleeping. Procrastination is the story of my life.

I thought I would share with you all ( my loyal 6 followers) a list of things I like and dislike.

                                                LIKES

• I like to shower for a really long time. I know this is not " green". I do not care right now. A good thirty minute shower makes me feel like a brand new person. I enjoy standing under the water, emptying my mind from its chaos, and starting over again. 
• I like opening a brand new can of coffee. The sound, the smell, and the anticipation of that first cup is worth the few minutes you wait till it is done brewing. 
• I like it even more when someone else is making the coffee for. For a few weeks last year, I actually had the joy of someone bringing me coffee in bed. They also had my travel mug ready for me when it was time to go work. I am sure I will never experience that again so I had to write about it now. 
• I like the smile on my son's face when he comes back to me after being with his dad for a week. It is priceless. 
• I like when you finish a book and you find yourself feeling sad it is over. That is how you know a book is truly good. 
• I like it when my daughter is awake and not crying. Again, priceless. 
• I like when I am alone ( rare) , and I sense my angel Lennon. This happens very rarely. Sometimes, I will be driving and a song comes on the radio that reminds me of him. This is when I say outloud, " I love you, I love you, I do Lennon. Thanks for thinking of your mama." 
• I love to make people laugh. I know that if they are laughing, even for a second, they are not thinking of anything that will upset them. When I see people I care about upset, all I can think of is how to make them laugh. 
• Kisses that literally take your breath away. I personally have experienced this twice. I would pay money right now to feel it again. 
• An ice cold beer after a long day. Need I say more?

                             DISLIKES 

• I really do not like it when you hear a song you like on the radio, one you have never heard before, and then you never hear it again. 
• When you know you are right yet the other person refuses to believe you. 
• Lady frickin GaGa. WTF? Is she for real? She makes Bjork look cool. 
• People who used to smoke that quit. Don't lecture me. 
• Parents who think their children do no wrong. It is always the other kids fault huh? Yeah, right. In that case, I will remember that when my son is punching your kid. ( Julian would probably not do this, but still.) 
• Shitty service at any place you are to be served. Do your job people. You want a tip, work for it. If you don't like your job, quit. That opens up more jobs for the millions of unemployed people like me. 
• Why are people paying to hear Brittney Spears sing? It seems pretty clear to me that she in fact, cannot sing. If you want to watch her flaunt her body and act like a slut, request she start making porn movies. She would be much better at that than she is at singing. If you disagree, go get your ears cleaned. 
• When NFL pre-frickin-season preempts Big Brother on a live eviction night! 

That is it for now. I will post different like/dislike lists when I feeling in the mood. Feel free to share yours with me. 

Patience is a virtue, or so they say.

I am holding off on the marriage blog for a little while. It just isn't coming across how I would like it to. So instead, I wiould like to just say this for now:

Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let those pesky bug bite. It seems we are sick right now so keep your bugs to yourself.

I am hoping to sleep now.

Get off my road!

Here is a list of things NOT to do if I am on the road:
1.) Do not forget your turn signal. If you do, and I accidently run into your back bumper, its all your fault. I will say so too. Loudly!
2.) Get off my butt. If I wanted to drive faster, I would. If you are in a hurry, you should have left earlier dumbass. This does not work both ways though. I am in a hurry, so move out of my way.
3.) If you are afraid to drive on a highway, then please, for the sake of all mankind, don't drive on the highway.
4.) If I can only see you hair, you should not be driving at all. Not even in your driveway. Stay home and ask for rides. I can be a taxi. 25 dollars a ride. ( You think thats funny, but I know two blondes that paid that much in N.Y.C.)
5.) If you drive a Lincoln or Cadillac and enjoy doing so on Sundays, stop now. Its really starting to bug me. Where are you going anyway? You cant hear whats going on in church, and most of your friends are on the other side. Stay home and watch old westerns on t.v.
6.) If I am in the car with you, and you got lucky enough that day that I let you drive, please drive according to my standards. Do not play loud music and talk the whole time without turning the music down. Do not slam your brakes everytime you need to use them or I will throw up on you. Do not make me listen to Christian music. I will have set your radio to stations I enjoy, so just press those buttons. DO NOT TEXT while you are driving. Wait. You can do it. I promise.
7.) If I am driving and you are riding please adhere to these simple rules: Try to refrain from pushing on those imaginary brakes. It may look like I am too close, but trust me, I know when to stop. Do not turn my music down or off. As a matter of fact, do not touch radio at all. Part of the enjoyment I get from driving is the music I hear while doing so. If you make me miss a good radio day, I will be angry. I will promise to turn it down while we are talking. But take note that I said I will turn it down. Do not scream because you see a cute animal or something. I might let it slide if you see an attractive man, but probably not because I will be having a heart attack.
8.) When you are at a four way intersection and I am waving you on, please just go. Dont wave back at me to go because I just told your slow ass to go. You are wasting my time. I am trying to be nice and you are not helping my cosmic karma.
9.) Yes, the speed limit may say 35, but they really meant 45. When you will understand that?
10.) If you are going to look at me, you better smile. If you stare and do not produce a smile, I will say something mean about you behind your back.

I reserve the right to add, change, and enforce these rules at anytime I so desire. Thank you for your time.

While my daughter does not gently weep...

My daughter is currently sleeping in my lap as I type this. While she might think I am stupid, I am not. She is not sleeping. She is only pretending. She wants me to think she is so that I put her down and attempt to do something. As soon as I get involved in a task, she will open her eyes, and cry. Her cry translates into this: " Hahahhahaaha. Gotcha Mom! You really think I was sleeping? Man, you are slow to learn. I don't want you to do anything but hold me and try to figure out why I am crying."

So I am going to remain in this uncomfortable position that is doing a number on my back to give you a list o fmy current obsessions. These are in no particular order by the way.
1.) Big Brother 11. For those of you that don't know, this is a reality show on CBS. The premise is a group of people locked inside a house for 3 months. During those three months they compete in games and such and evict one member of the house a week. The object is to be the in the final two at the end, and then former housemates vote one which one of the two they want to win. The winner gets half a million.
I have never watched any of the other seasons before. I do regret this  now. This show is so interesting. Why? Well, think about it. It's a human science experiment. You have to create alliances to stay in the game, yet you know you will break that alliance the minute you are threatened to. You make friends, but break those friendships without a second thought. Some people actually do this in the real world. You are driven to do things you would never dream of doing anywhere else in life. I have not been on this show obviously, so I do not speak from experience. But, I bet those people are shocked by their own actions and find out a whole lot about themselves when all is said and done. On a side note, this year, there is a cute showmance going on with Jeff and Jordan. Those two alone make the season.
2.) Books. I have always been an avid reader. I can even pinpoint the time in my life when this started. I was in the third grade and I got a bunch of Babysitters Club books for Christmas. Since then, I have read anything I can get my hands on. Now though, I find myself thirsty for more. I cannot get enough reading material to satsify my need. You put a book in my hand, and a couple days later, I am ready for more. I am reading about things I normally could care less about. I contribute this to my lack of job, friends, boyfriend, energy, and life. So, if you have any books you are looking to get rid of, throw em my way. ( Please do not throw hard though)
3.) Coupons. I am currently unemployeed and have been for quite a while now. Money is tight, therefore my spending habits must change. This alone is hard enough when you have a 6 year old who wants Pokemon all the time, and a baby that goes through diapers like nobody's business. But when you have back to school, clothes for a baby that seems to get a half size bigger everyday, and you are trying to entertain said kids, it is hard to save. So, I scan for coupons all the time. I have learned some valuable things about coupons. You should always go to the website of the product you are looking to buy. 9 times out of 10, they will have a printable coupon for the product. Also, just put free products in your google search and you will find a load of free samples. Or go to sites such as this one which is my favorite: www.freebies4mom.com  They do all the work of finding the free stuff, and let you know about it. I have gotten some amazing deals on things there. I find great joy in saving as much as possible in one grocery trip. Yesterday, I saved 48.23 in one store. This was with coupons and pre-shopping research on what was on sale. The store I did the shopping at offers gas rewards points. Well I received 90 cents off per gallon of gas. Yes, thats right folks. I am so proud I just may frame the receipt.  And, as two of my friends can attest to, I am not afraid to go into the trash if some dumbass throws away a good coupon.
4.) Farmville on facebook. Farmville is a game. You design your own farm, grow fruits and veggies, raise animals, grow trees, etc. You can visit your neighboors farms and help them out. For me, it is great because I would love to have a real garden, but lack the patience, space, and motivation to do so.

( Update: I put the baby down 2 minutes and 42 seconds ago. She is now awake again. I do not make this stuff up people.)

5.) My bed. I miss it and I think of it constantly. Currently, I sleep on the couch. My daughter does not like her portable crib. She will sleep in her carseat, but not the crib. Why? I have no clue, but since this is the case, I sleep on the couch. Its just easier at the moment. I want to sleep in my bed, by myself, and not wake up for 24 hours.

Those are just a few. I will add to my list when I add/lose/change my obsessions. What are yours? Hopefully my blogs!

She made me do it.

I have started this blog because April made me. She said I should for people who do not use myspace. I found that to be a good enough reason, so here I go again on my own.

I will try to blog frequently. I will try not to offend anyone, but if I do, oh well. I will try to make you laugh, cry, fart, and spit milk out of your nose. If you do all those at once, please let me know how you did it.

If no one is interested in reading my blogs, screw you.

What will my topics be you ask? Well my dear peeps, there will be many. I may rant and rave about everything from my own personal life, my friends lives, what I am watching on tv, what I am reading, what music I am listening to, the funny things people say or do, or I may just tell you what I had to eat that particular morning. Nothing is off limits and no one is safe. Be warned, I do swear and I am not afraid to talk about anything. I warned you now. You cannot yell at me in the future. For the sake of my mother who will probably read these, I will post warnings if they are going to be graphic.

I hope you enjoy. I hope people read these. I hope this is not a waste of my ever so precious time.

Frustration isnt the word for the day.

So it seems of late I have been in a foul mood. I attribute this to my lack of consistent sleep, poor eating habits, my daughter who seems to dislike me, and my disgusting body. But before I vent about all that, let me do an end of summer review.

This summer was great. I had the luxury of not working and spending a whole lot of extra time with my son, my friends, and my mother. The last time I had such a great summer was when I lived in Ocean City.

It started with a trip to Virginia Beach. This was nice but I could have done without the sunburn. My mom would like to forget the crab dinner we had, and I don't blame her one bit. Julian loved staying in a hotel so much that he now wants to live in one. If I had the money to just throw away, I would book a night in one locally just for us to camp out. It was great to have one last vacation with my son before his sister's arrival.

Julian graduated kindergarten. I was very proud of him and he was of himself.

Julian also started T-ball. I was happily surprised at how well he did and how much he enjoyed it. I hope to be able to get him in it again this season.

Julian's dad got married and Julian was the ring bearer. I think it is wonderful that my son got to witness this and he will never forget it. According to his dad, Julian was a bigger hit than the bride and groom.

We spent a lot of time at the pool as well. I achieved a nice tan which has never happened before. Julian is becoming quite the swimmer and he loves being in the water.

Thats it in a nutshell. There were side trips here and there and lots of late night coffee chats with my girl April. I gave birth to my daughter of course ( already blogged about that).

Summer is over. I am sad of course because this means I will not be spending as much time with Julian. He started the first grade this week and things will go back to normal. He wants to be with me full time, but his dad isnt keen on the idea. ( I cant blame him, I would not want Julian to be with his dad full time) I wont get too into that subject though.

As of right now, I am not a happy person. I feel completely out of sync with the outside world and all the people in it. The thought of participating in the outside world makes me want to hide in the corner and close my eyes. I chalk this up to many factors...
a.) I have no patience for anyone else's stuff right now. I can barely stand my own issues, yet alone take on other peoples. I'm not saying I dont want to listen to my friends or be there for them. I do and always will. I just dont think I have the patience to hold back. I am afraid I will say something hurtful and mean. I know myself well enough to know that when I am in this state of mind, I will not hold back. I dont set out to intentionally hurt anyone, but when I am hurting, I seem to hurt others. I am trying to avoid that this time around. The very few friends I have, I cherish with all of my being. To lose them because I was mean, would suck.
b.) My daughter is not a happy baby. I was spoiled with Lennon and Julian. I know they cried, but not like this. When I look back now on their infancy, I only see smiles and happiness. I know this isnt accurate and that because I am having such a hard time with Sadie, I am making this all up in my head. Still, Sadie is a complete opposite of her brothers. If she isnt sleeping or eating, she is crying. She is still on her own schedule and that schedule does not allow me to get much done unless I want to forgo sleep. ( Which I happen to be doing right now along with laundry) I have never felt this way towards any of my children and I am afraid to admit it but I will. I need a break. A long break. That is so awful to say, think, and feel. I hate that this is supposed to be a time of bonding for the two of us, and I just want to run away. I understand that she is a baby and she may, if I am lucky, grow out of this. But, I feel like she does not like me. I feel like I am a bad mother because I cannot fix whatever is wrong with her. I look forward to midnight because I know she will be asleep soon, and I can just sleep and forget the day. Most mothers, single or not, would love to have this time with their babies. I want to work right now!! ( yes, even though i am scared of the outside world) I cannot look to the time when my daughter and I have a normal schedule because this just seems neverending to me. When others come around, I hand her over with joy because I just need a break so badly. I used to hand over Lennon and Julian and take them back minutes later because I missed the feel of them in my arms.
Dont get me wrong. I love my daughter with every being in my body. I know that I am not the other mother who went through this. But when you are the one going through it, it just feels like you are alone in the world. My kids are my world and though my world is not aligned right now, I know it will get there eventually.
c.) I am so utterly disgusted with my body. Utterly is a good word because that reminds me of how my stomach is. If I walked on all fours, I would very much resemble a cow. ( You laugh, but if I demonstrated, you wouldn't.) Nothing and I mean nothing fits me except for a few pairs of pj bottoms. I cannot afford to by myself clothes, but if I could, I would just buy a tent to wear. My stomach is ruined. My ass doubled in its size, and you could use my hips as runways for airplanes. I dont have a double chin anymore, I have a quad-chin. My arm flab could knock you out if you got to close and my legs double as tree stumps. Even my feet got bigger which is a big deal because my feet were always skeletal.

What man in their right mind would find this attractive? I know if I was looking at a overweight man with strechmarks and a stomach that hid his happy parts, I would look away. I don't feel comfortable though so who cares about men right now. I just want to go to the grocery store and not look like an elephant that escaped from the zoo.

All this can be fixed you say? Oh, well great I will get right on that. Because I have the time and energy and money to exercise, buy clothes that fit, and eat right. Well damn, if Hedi Klum can have 4 kids and walk on the frickin runway 2 weeks later, how come I can't. Give me two days to switch places with that woman, and she will start to resemble me, I promise you.

( okay, somehow i hit a couple wrong keys on my keyboard, and its all bold print now. this is not to show my anger or anything, i just cant figure out how to get it back to normal)

Needless to say, the thought of going out with friends is scary. I really want to, but I cannot go in public like this. Its okay for my mom and my close friends to see me, but no one else. I cannot afford to go out and no one can watch my kids, so its a mute point. The fact remains though, I would hide in a corner and be a complete bummer.

I need to get drunk. Just throwing that in there. I am sure none of you reading this are surprised that that is all I want for Christmas.

I also want to throw this out there: IF ONE MORE MAN DEMANDS A PATERNITY TEST, I WILL GO POSTAL ON THEIR ASS!!!! ( that was meant to be bold and in capital letters) SERIOUSLY. GROW THE F*@#* UP! YOU THINK ITS FUNNY TO MAKE YOUR CHILD WAIT FOR CHILD SUPPORT? ITS NOT. YOU THINK ITS FUNNY THAT YOU WILL BE FORKING OUT 350 DOLLARS FOR THE TEST PLUS ALL THE BACK PAY ON THE CHILD SUPPORT? YOUR RIGHT, THAT IS FRICKING FUNNY.

I really know how pick em dont I?

There will be part two to all this. I got all riled up writing it and I need to take a break. Plus, Sadie will be waking up soon for another day of crying. I have to prepare.