Spring is in the air

It's been awhile since I have written about anything. No reason, just busy with the kids, school, and not feeling inspired. Tonight, I feel inclined to write and share so I hope you will read.

As of late, I have been feeling very wistful. Wistful for something I have not had in a long time. That would be companionship. Last time I had anything that felt real, was with Sadie's dad. We all know how that turned out. Truthfully, I really have not made many attempts to look for anything more than friendships. It is a scary world out there and I have learned that men really never grow up. And all of you girls sitting there saying, " There are real men out there", you can just shut it. You are married to the real men. At this age ( 30's) the men that are left over are divorced and bitter, or choosing to be single so they can date for the rest of their lives. I don't want to make those men feel bad. Like I said earlier, I have made no real attempts at anything serious. The couple times I did, I knew going into it I wasn't really into it. So, of course it didn't really last long.

The single scene is strange for me. Four nights a month, I have the chance to go out. Well, after dealing with normal mom things all week, all I really want to do is go have a drink. So I am usually at a bar. Also, I am usually with a couple guy friends. I am sure that makes me look like I am dating one of them to other men. Do I want to meet someone in a bar? I don't know, but past experience says that never leads anywhere. I have tried online dating sites, only to get discouraged by the desperation in others. So what is left? The grocery store? I am there almost daily. Not happening if it hasn't yet. My parents setting me up? That has never happened. ( I am starting to think they like that I am single. They do show up unannounced a lot at my house. No offense Mom and Dad.) My friends setting me up? I think that scares them.

So where does that leave me? 33, single, two kids, and no life. I come home to my kids, take care of my kids, they go to sleep, and I sit alone. I go to bed alone. There are some advantages to thi

s. For example, I can watch whatever I want on TV. I can cook what I like. I punish my children how I see fit without having to discuss it with someone first. I can read in bed with the light on without someone getting annoyed. Oh, and the biggest thing. I don't argue with anyone. All the money pressure is on me and me alone. Daily life issues, again, all on me. I listen to my friends who are in relationships, and sometimes actually feel glad to be single. Those moments do not last long however. I want to have conversations about real life things with someone other than a two year old. I want to go to bed at night with the warmth of someone next to me. I want to get a call in the middle of the day asking what we are going to do for dinner that night. I want a kiss that takes my breath away. I want to hear I love you at 6:30 in the morning. ( As long as he is handing me a cup of coffee with the I love you.)

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the causal relationships I have. They are casual for a reason and I understand that. I am probably one of the few woman in the world that does get that distinction. I just don't want that to be all I am good for for the rest of my life.

Maybe it the weather. Maybe it is my age. Maybe it is just something in the air. But I feel ready. I'm tired of waiting to be loved though. Hope all of this made some sense.