What does it take?

Back in May, I had a moment. This moment struck me hard and forced me to change a lot of my bad habits. My eating was out of control, I was not getting any kind of exercise. I was gaining weight faster than a rabbit makes babies. I finally hit my breaking point. I had wondered for a good two years what it would take to hit this point. When it finally happened, I felt better immediately. I knew that I was ready to take some kind of control over my life and make some changes. I signed up at a gym and went to work. I stopped eating junk, drinking soda, and brought more veggies and fruits into my life. I was not willing to " diet". I like food too much for that and knew that if I denied myself of certain things, the binge would eventually happen. So I just ate better and smaller portions of the things I did like. There were a few things I knew I had to completely stay away from. I did. I lessened my intake of alcohol. I worked out 5-6 days per week and for the first time ever, started doing the weight machines. It took a while, but results started to show. I was slowly seeing a shape other than a dough girl form. I was dropping inches and toning at the same time. This gave me a lot of confidence. I bought a dress and shorts and wore them proudly! The change in my confidence and my mental health was amazing. Waking up and being " ready" for the day felt great. I was so used to waking up and just kinda hoping I would get some sort of energy spurt before five p.m. I tried to only weigh myself every so often. When I did, it was great to see the numbers go down every time I did. I was fantasizing about what I would look like and feel like a year from now. The thought of wearing any kind of clothes I wanted was so exciting to me. Being a plus size girl really limits you to what you can look good in. I see so many outfits that I wish I could wear that I couldn't. That was all changing and I was really looking forward to shopping. Oh, and the ability to pick an outfit in my own closest and have it fit was amazing!!! Then July hits. Right around my daughter's birthday. Something had happened that had hit me really hard. My heart was hurting, I was angry, and I felt powerless to change it. While I know I could have changed it, I did not want to hurt someone else by doing so. After years of feeling like I keep losing to this person, I caved and lost again after attempting to stand my ground. This incident was what has led me to where I am now. Don't mistake me here. I know that I cannot blame someone else for my failures. I know that I allowed this event to control me and my progress. I gave in to my negative thoughts and feelings. My life and the way I live it has always been controlled by my emotions. When I am sad, mad, tired, or just generally having a bad day, I feel like I am entitled to do what I please. Somehow, doing what I please always means eating what I want, when I want, and doing it in excess. I also have a horrible habit of telling myself I will do better tomorrow and then doing the same exact thing the next day. Basically what I am trying to say here is that I fell off the happy wagon I was riding on. I fell off hard too. I haven't been to the gym in a month now. My poor eating habits have returned. I wake up and really have no motivation to do anything. The last time I went to the gym, I couldn't even look at the elliptical. I ended up walking the track for fifteen minutes and then sitting down and reading a magazine while I waited for my son to be done with karate. I have learned over the years that I am powerless to change things with others. I can't make people like me or force people to treat me right or treat others right. I have also learned that we have to take responsibility for our own actions and own up to our mistakes. I feel very strongly about that. I have made many mistakes in my life and will freely admit that I made that mistake and that I will suffer the consequences. Well, I just gave my self another reason to have to do that. I allowed my emotions to dictate my progress. I have lost my way and now, I am back at square one. I gained back all the weight I lost. I lost all my positive energy. The feelings of darkness are so strong right now that I am terrified of how long I will let them last before I push them away and get back to fighting them away. The disappointment is overwhelming. The feeling that I never will overcome this is overwhelming. The shear amount of weight I have to lose is overwhelming. The time I am wasting in this darkness is overwhelming. What is it going to take this time to slap me out of it? All of the things in my life besides the weight that need changed is overwhelming. The effect this is having on my kids overwhelms me. I am hoping that by putting something this personal out there for all to read will give me a little motivation. Hence the reason it is going up on Facebook. Although, I know myself well enough to know that it will take more than that. Usually it takes something really good happening to wake me up out of my stupor. Why am I waiting for good things to just magically happen? What am I doing to make them happen? This is where I end it for now. My whiny rant is over and I am going to continue to ask myself all the questions I put forth in this rant.

Spring is in the air

It's been awhile since I have written about anything. No reason, just busy with the kids, school, and not feeling inspired. Tonight, I feel inclined to write and share so I hope you will read.

As of late, I have been feeling very wistful. Wistful for something I have not had in a long time. That would be companionship. Last time I had anything that felt real, was with Sadie's dad. We all know how that turned out. Truthfully, I really have not made many attempts to look for anything more than friendships. It is a scary world out there and I have learned that men really never grow up. And all of you girls sitting there saying, " There are real men out there", you can just shut it. You are married to the real men. At this age ( 30's) the men that are left over are divorced and bitter, or choosing to be single so they can date for the rest of their lives. I don't want to make those men feel bad. Like I said earlier, I have made no real attempts at anything serious. The couple times I did, I knew going into it I wasn't really into it. So, of course it didn't really last long.

The single scene is strange for me. Four nights a month, I have the chance to go out. Well, after dealing with normal mom things all week, all I really want to do is go have a drink. So I am usually at a bar. Also, I am usually with a couple guy friends. I am sure that makes me look like I am dating one of them to other men. Do I want to meet someone in a bar? I don't know, but past experience says that never leads anywhere. I have tried online dating sites, only to get discouraged by the desperation in others. So what is left? The grocery store? I am there almost daily. Not happening if it hasn't yet. My parents setting me up? That has never happened. ( I am starting to think they like that I am single. They do show up unannounced a lot at my house. No offense Mom and Dad.) My friends setting me up? I think that scares them.

So where does that leave me? 33, single, two kids, and no life. I come home to my kids, take care of my kids, they go to sleep, and I sit alone. I go to bed alone. There are some advantages to thi

s. For example, I can watch whatever I want on TV. I can cook what I like. I punish my children how I see fit without having to discuss it with someone first. I can read in bed with the light on without someone getting annoyed. Oh, and the biggest thing. I don't argue with anyone. All the money pressure is on me and me alone. Daily life issues, again, all on me. I listen to my friends who are in relationships, and sometimes actually feel glad to be single. Those moments do not last long however. I want to have conversations about real life things with someone other than a two year old. I want to go to bed at night with the warmth of someone next to me. I want to get a call in the middle of the day asking what we are going to do for dinner that night. I want a kiss that takes my breath away. I want to hear I love you at 6:30 in the morning. ( As long as he is handing me a cup of coffee with the I love you.)

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the causal relationships I have. They are casual for a reason and I understand that. I am probably one of the few woman in the world that does get that distinction. I just don't want that to be all I am good for for the rest of my life.

Maybe it the weather. Maybe it is my age. Maybe it is just something in the air. But I feel ready. I'm tired of waiting to be loved though. Hope all of this made some sense.