Laziness is a warm gun...

My level of laziness has reached a red alert status. I am so lazy, that slugs move faster than me these days. I do nothing fast anymore, which for me, is simply scary. I have always been quick to cook, clean, read, walk, talk, and think. Now, it takes me 5 minutes to make coffee, 10 minutes to think of something to say, and even longer to walk from the kitchen to the living room. I think that this has to do with the fact that I just don't care anymore. I will get there when I get there and if you don't like it, too bad for you.

There are days when the thought of getting out of bed so frightens me, that I watch my hair turn white right in front of my eyes. I would rather let those Gremlins sit on my head than go anywhere. Just to go 2 feet over to my neighbor's house is a chore. Getting the mail is even a problem. The mailbox is right outside my door. I really do not even have to leave the house. I just have to open the door. I don't want to open the door because after I do that, I will need a nap. I am like a 95 year old woman who talks very slow, says one sentence, and then sleeps for four hours afterward.

Now, to be fair, I am sick. All three of us are sick. I have been to the doctor's office 3 times in one week. Of course, they cannot do anything for us being that it is a viral infection. Apparently, those viral bitches of colds can kick your ass for as long as they want. Kinda like deadbeat dads. They can just not pay for as long as they what, and no one does anything. Oh, sorry. That came out of nowhere.

I act like a baby when I am sick. Which does not go over well with a 4 month old and a six year old. When mommy is crying and asking for someone to hold her, they kinda look at me like I am crazy. So, I try to act like the adult I am suppose to be. Now, who is going to bring me soup and juice?

I find it funny when I go to the doctor's and they say, " so what brings you here?" Well dumb ass, I am sick. No, really, I just wanted to sit here for hours and hang out in your waiting room because you have such pretty wallpaper. I am sick. Fix me now and stop asking dumb questions. I am smart enough to know how to tell you what is wrong with me and my kids. Now, you be smart enough to not ask such lame questions. You are a doctor!! Get with it! And please, stop telling to call if the symptoms get worse. What else would I do? Call my friend and ask her to watch my kids so I can go get drunk? Damn you.

Everyone looks at everyone else now with a hint of paranoia in their eyes. I know what they are thinking too. " Do you have that pig flu thing?" PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE! It is the H1N1 virus and it is just another strain of the flu. The flu kills people yes, but people get it all the time, and end up not going six feet under. ( who is thinking about natural selection right now other than me?)

I say that, but I was scared I had H1N1. Seriously. I got over it. You should too.

I need a good movie to watch. Something other than a movie about a blonde, who always gets the guy. Yes, she got the guy. Of course she did. Big fucking surprise. Did not see that one coming. You movie makers are so great. Please dear lord, let there be a movie out there that is actually worth my time and money.

Am I rambling? I think I am. Which means that I must end this now. Peace.

Those darn kids

If most of you did not already know this, I am a single mother to 2 children and I have an angel in heaven. Also, I am currently a stay at home mother. I guess you would say that that is by choice, but really, I am looking for a job. Why would I look for a job when right now, unemployment is a great security blanket? Frankly, I cannot stand being a SAHM. Yes, I said it. I do not feel bad nor do I feel ashamed to admit that. I have to commend those mothers or fathers who choose to stay at home. You are saints in my book. How you do this on a daily basis without killing is amazing to me. Even more so if you are single.

Pop quiz hotshots! ( Name that movie) Lets say it is just you. You have to wake up at 6:00 to get your six year old fed, dressed, teeth brushed, out on the door, and on the bus. You have to do this while feeding, changing, and holding your 4 month old baby girl. In the first hour and half of your day, you are exhausted and ready for it to be over. You need your coffee but you know if you drink it, you will have to put it all on pause to make it to the bathroom. So you are doing all of the above while in a zombie like trance. What do you do?

Answer. You do not stop. You keep moving because if you stopped, you would surely fall down and not be able to move for quite sometime. I understand millions of parents do this everyday, but seriously, it is not easy.

I have to give my son credit. He is six and already wakes up to the alarm. ( I have my set for back up) He gets up, puts his clothes on ( I laid them out the night before), and then comes into my room. I really do not think I ever told him to do this. He just started doing it this year like he knew it would help me out. I love that kid. He also takes my mood into account most of the time and does not argue with me too much anymore. ( In the morning that is.)

The rest of my day consists of holding, feeding, changing, holding, feeding, changing, and amusing my baby girl. She does not like to be put down too much and being that she is only four months old, toys are not a concept to her yet. It is my job to amuse her. It is my job to make her happy all day. 24/7. MY job. I wanted that job, and I am glad I was hired to do it. But someone else was hired at the same time. Only he chose to not show up for it. ( Yes, I am calling it a job. Great line from a great movie. " Yeah, I call it a job, what do you call it? A CALLING?") There are many times during the course of a day when I think and even say out loud to myself, " Please somebody, take over for a little while." The concept of someone else feeding the baby while I get my son ready is foreign to me. The simple thought of going to the grocery store alone is a fantasy that rarely becomes reality. My friends and mother make those things happen for me sometimes, and I am forever grateful for that. However, my life is truly not about me anymore. This may sound selfish of me and really, it is. It does not matter that I am tired. It does not matter that a great band is playing Saturday night. I am not going because my kids need me. You want to date me? Great, find me a babysitter. I need a bra that isnt ten years old. That does not matter, your kids need winter clothes. That Starbucks coffee sounds good right? Think again. The baby needs baby wipes and that coffee costs more than 2 packs of baby wipes. You want to listen to your favorite music? Sorry, but Miley Cyrus is on and your kid will yell if you turn the station.

Single parent or not, our kids run our lives. It simply has nothing to do with you anymore. We breathe, eat, sleep, and live for them. Our needs are not our own. Our voice is not our own. Our beds are not our own. We cannot even go to the bathroom without a kid yelling at us through the door.

Would I give any of this up? Hell no. If you tried to take it away from me, I would go rabid on your ass. However, offer me 4 hours of peace and quiet, and I will jump up and down and wag my tail.

To end this, I must say that I aware this sounds mean. I love my children fiercely and there is no limit on how far I will go for them. Sometimes, I just miss loving me.

Absence makes the heart grow funnier...

I am back readers! I know you all missed me. I missed me too. I spent way too many days away and I am afraid I lost my humor. Lets see if it comes back to me.

I have a friend who is obsessed with Craigslist. She tells me everyday to get on there to buy and sell things. Today, I finally did. I posted one item for sale, and will let you know how that goes. I browsed the ads and items for sale. I am amazed at some of the things people are asking money for. Seriously, I do not want your used underwear. I most certainly do not want your used toilet. Who is going to pay money for worn underwear? If you know of someone who would, please slap them silly for me.

My daughter spits like a camel. Is this normal? Just curious.

My son told me recently that I need a husband. Oh my dear boy. If you only knew.

Can I post an ad on Craigslist for someone to come and clean my home for free? I think I can, and I think I will.

If you are with your friend, and you are talking about porno's and enema's, and she is still not listening to you, there is something wrong.

Sitting around the house all day causes strange things to happen to your body. I am pale, tired during the day, up all night, and I think I am growing fangs. Hey! Maybe I can try out for the next installment of the ever so gay Twilight movies.

Why do people in consignment shops act so rude? You are getting great deals in those places people! Cheer up. I personally will be in aisle 3 doing my happy dance. Please dont ruin my joy with your crappy attitude. Thank you.

MY BABY IS A GIRL. JUST BECAUSE SHE HAS NO HAIR DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN CALL HER A BOY. LOOK AT ALL THE PINK SHE IS WEARING. HELLLOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. Thats all for now. I wanted to go light since it has been some time.