What does it take?

Back in May, I had a moment. This moment struck me hard and forced me to change a lot of my bad habits. My eating was out of control, I was not getting any kind of exercise. I was gaining weight faster than a rabbit makes babies. I finally hit my breaking point. I had wondered for a good two years what it would take to hit this point. When it finally happened, I felt better immediately. I knew that I was ready to take some kind of control over my life and make some changes. I signed up at a gym and went to work. I stopped eating junk, drinking soda, and brought more veggies and fruits into my life. I was not willing to " diet". I like food too much for that and knew that if I denied myself of certain things, the binge would eventually happen. So I just ate better and smaller portions of the things I did like. There were a few things I knew I had to completely stay away from. I did. I lessened my intake of alcohol. I worked out 5-6 days per week and for the first time ever, started doing the weight machines. It took a while, but results started to show. I was slowly seeing a shape other than a dough girl form. I was dropping inches and toning at the same time. This gave me a lot of confidence. I bought a dress and shorts and wore them proudly! The change in my confidence and my mental health was amazing. Waking up and being " ready" for the day felt great. I was so used to waking up and just kinda hoping I would get some sort of energy spurt before five p.m. I tried to only weigh myself every so often. When I did, it was great to see the numbers go down every time I did. I was fantasizing about what I would look like and feel like a year from now. The thought of wearing any kind of clothes I wanted was so exciting to me. Being a plus size girl really limits you to what you can look good in. I see so many outfits that I wish I could wear that I couldn't. That was all changing and I was really looking forward to shopping. Oh, and the ability to pick an outfit in my own closest and have it fit was amazing!!! Then July hits. Right around my daughter's birthday. Something had happened that had hit me really hard. My heart was hurting, I was angry, and I felt powerless to change it. While I know I could have changed it, I did not want to hurt someone else by doing so. After years of feeling like I keep losing to this person, I caved and lost again after attempting to stand my ground. This incident was what has led me to where I am now. Don't mistake me here. I know that I cannot blame someone else for my failures. I know that I allowed this event to control me and my progress. I gave in to my negative thoughts and feelings. My life and the way I live it has always been controlled by my emotions. When I am sad, mad, tired, or just generally having a bad day, I feel like I am entitled to do what I please. Somehow, doing what I please always means eating what I want, when I want, and doing it in excess. I also have a horrible habit of telling myself I will do better tomorrow and then doing the same exact thing the next day. Basically what I am trying to say here is that I fell off the happy wagon I was riding on. I fell off hard too. I haven't been to the gym in a month now. My poor eating habits have returned. I wake up and really have no motivation to do anything. The last time I went to the gym, I couldn't even look at the elliptical. I ended up walking the track for fifteen minutes and then sitting down and reading a magazine while I waited for my son to be done with karate. I have learned over the years that I am powerless to change things with others. I can't make people like me or force people to treat me right or treat others right. I have also learned that we have to take responsibility for our own actions and own up to our mistakes. I feel very strongly about that. I have made many mistakes in my life and will freely admit that I made that mistake and that I will suffer the consequences. Well, I just gave my self another reason to have to do that. I allowed my emotions to dictate my progress. I have lost my way and now, I am back at square one. I gained back all the weight I lost. I lost all my positive energy. The feelings of darkness are so strong right now that I am terrified of how long I will let them last before I push them away and get back to fighting them away. The disappointment is overwhelming. The feeling that I never will overcome this is overwhelming. The shear amount of weight I have to lose is overwhelming. The time I am wasting in this darkness is overwhelming. What is it going to take this time to slap me out of it? All of the things in my life besides the weight that need changed is overwhelming. The effect this is having on my kids overwhelms me. I am hoping that by putting something this personal out there for all to read will give me a little motivation. Hence the reason it is going up on Facebook. Although, I know myself well enough to know that it will take more than that. Usually it takes something really good happening to wake me up out of my stupor. Why am I waiting for good things to just magically happen? What am I doing to make them happen? This is where I end it for now. My whiny rant is over and I am going to continue to ask myself all the questions I put forth in this rant.

Spring is in the air

It's been awhile since I have written about anything. No reason, just busy with the kids, school, and not feeling inspired. Tonight, I feel inclined to write and share so I hope you will read.

As of late, I have been feeling very wistful. Wistful for something I have not had in a long time. That would be companionship. Last time I had anything that felt real, was with Sadie's dad. We all know how that turned out. Truthfully, I really have not made many attempts to look for anything more than friendships. It is a scary world out there and I have learned that men really never grow up. And all of you girls sitting there saying, " There are real men out there", you can just shut it. You are married to the real men. At this age ( 30's) the men that are left over are divorced and bitter, or choosing to be single so they can date for the rest of their lives. I don't want to make those men feel bad. Like I said earlier, I have made no real attempts at anything serious. The couple times I did, I knew going into it I wasn't really into it. So, of course it didn't really last long.

The single scene is strange for me. Four nights a month, I have the chance to go out. Well, after dealing with normal mom things all week, all I really want to do is go have a drink. So I am usually at a bar. Also, I am usually with a couple guy friends. I am sure that makes me look like I am dating one of them to other men. Do I want to meet someone in a bar? I don't know, but past experience says that never leads anywhere. I have tried online dating sites, only to get discouraged by the desperation in others. So what is left? The grocery store? I am there almost daily. Not happening if it hasn't yet. My parents setting me up? That has never happened. ( I am starting to think they like that I am single. They do show up unannounced a lot at my house. No offense Mom and Dad.) My friends setting me up? I think that scares them.

So where does that leave me? 33, single, two kids, and no life. I come home to my kids, take care of my kids, they go to sleep, and I sit alone. I go to bed alone. There are some advantages to thi

s. For example, I can watch whatever I want on TV. I can cook what I like. I punish my children how I see fit without having to discuss it with someone first. I can read in bed with the light on without someone getting annoyed. Oh, and the biggest thing. I don't argue with anyone. All the money pressure is on me and me alone. Daily life issues, again, all on me. I listen to my friends who are in relationships, and sometimes actually feel glad to be single. Those moments do not last long however. I want to have conversations about real life things with someone other than a two year old. I want to go to bed at night with the warmth of someone next to me. I want to get a call in the middle of the day asking what we are going to do for dinner that night. I want a kiss that takes my breath away. I want to hear I love you at 6:30 in the morning. ( As long as he is handing me a cup of coffee with the I love you.)

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the causal relationships I have. They are casual for a reason and I understand that. I am probably one of the few woman in the world that does get that distinction. I just don't want that to be all I am good for for the rest of my life.

Maybe it the weather. Maybe it is my age. Maybe it is just something in the air. But I feel ready. I'm tired of waiting to be loved though. Hope all of this made some sense.

Hello World

I'mmmm bacckkkk! That's right people. I have decided to peek out from under my shell and share some words with you all. I have no particular agenda here so it will be a mashed potato like blog today.

I have some questions. First one is for the ladies. Men, you may want to skip this paragraph. It’s going to get gross. Okay women...Tampons. When you buy a box of tampons, you have to decide what size you want. This irritates me a tad. Maybe because I am a bigger shaped woman, but still. Why does it have to be plus and super plus? Why can't it be “a lot of blood" or” a river is literally flowing from your vagina"? I would not mind seeing that on tampon packages. Would you? Also, have you ever looked at and read the package? I did. And you know what??? They are expecting us to measure the amount of blood that is flowing!!!! Yes, they are. In grams no less. How exactly does one measure that? Please, if you know the answer, share with us. I would hate to be wasting valuable cotton by buying the wrong size for the amount of blood I am producing monthly.

***************MEN, IT IS NOW SAFE TO RETURN************************

I should talk about my kids a little. I talk about them all the time because that is all I really have going on in my life. My son is getting weirder every day. Of course I blame this on his father. He sounds like his dad, he looks like his dad, he talks loudly like his dad, so really, who else should I blame? There are times that I have to wonder if this is the child I gave birth to. Does he really need to talk so loud? Is that laugh even coming from a human? Does he realize he sounds like a girl when he whines? And what the hell is an eight year old whining for anyway? You watch TV, play your video games, play with your friends, shower every once in a while, and go to school. Is life really that hard for you? What are the children of today's society going to do when they actually are forced to enter the real world? I will tell you right now. They are going to melt. Like the Wicked Witch of the West. They will melt so fast they won't even have time to consider that what we told them as children is actually the truth. They have it so good right now. And before you ask, I am completely aware that I sound like my parents. I am aware and also a little appalled. They were right, I was wrong. Game over.

My daughter. She is a diva. A two year old, screaming, squealing, and yelling diva. If she wants my attention, she will scream, " MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYY", for however long it takes me to respond. Trust me, I take my time too. She is darn cute and knows it. She uses it to her advantage every chance she gets. This is scary. Like I said, she is two. She is only going to get smarter. What tactics will she acquire with age? Lord only knows and that Lord better send some help my way. I have no idea how to handle that one.

Since it has been a while, I will update you on my latest likes and dislikes.

Dislikes:
1. I still dislike Lady GagGag
2. My job-I am happy to have one. I just hate it.
3. People that feel it is okay to drive slow for fun. WTF is that? Why? You enjoy wasting that $3.45 a gallon gas???!!!! Get a life and drive to it faster please.
4. Time. I cannot be the only who feels that a twenty-four hour day is too short right?
5. People who will not acknowledge that they are the one to blame for that rotten smell. If you did it, own it. I am not saying be proud of your stinky ass. But please, just admit you admitted that smell into the atmosphere.

Likes:
1. My coffee
2. Netflix. Whoever came up with it, I love you.
3. Random nice people. The ones who you do not know but decide they are going to remind you that there are still people in this world that want you to smile.
4. Facebook. I actually like and dislike Facebook. I like it because I can be nosy. I hate it because I can be nosy. Get it?

So that is all for now. I may be back soon or I may wait another year. Either way, Merry Christmas to all. (Yeah, I said it. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!)

-Kristen

These are the days of our lives...

Well, it seems as though its been a long time since I have been on here. Guess inspiration has been eluding me. But, I am back tonight.

So much has changed and yet so much has remained the same. I am working again, but it is a job that requires my butt be sewn into a seat for eight hours. Which is exactly what I did not want. I really wanted to be cooking again. Sweating, moving, slaving over a hot gas stove. I applied at a lot of restaurants. When Cracker Barrel won't hire you, something is very wrong in the world. I have a culinary degree people! You don't have to train me. You don't have to teach me how to cook. Show me where the kitchen is, set me free, and watch me bang out those eggs with no flavor. The eighty year olds will be pleased with the plates I send out to them. I promise.

My eighteen year old brother got hired at a well known local establishment. I won't name names, but when they ( the old Kokomo's) hired him over me, I almost bitch slapped the manager. ( Of Arroga's)

I realize I am limited in hours due to my non-profit job of being a mother. I also realize that these people think I feel entitled to a higher pay rate than that of an eighteen year old. Well, yes I do. I worked hard for my degree. ( Okay, I worked semi-hard) I am good at what I do in the kitchen. I will show up everyday and will most likely be sober when I do so. But, I am not looking for superhero wages. I just want to be back in the kitchen.

I digress. I have a job and that is what I wanted. TO be out of the house. Moving, having purpose again. I shouldn't be complaining. So many are still looking for work. However, I am not even breaking even with this job. I was actually better off on unemployment which is plain sad. I figure in the cost of daycare and I am losing money now. What's wrong with that picture people?

My kids have adapted fairly well to this new chapter. Sadie loves getting dressed up for school and cannot wait to get out the door in the morning. She struts into daycare, walks into her room, and turns around to run away. She is just being funny and loves to play there with her friends. Most of her friends wear snot noses and hack germs into her face all day, but they are good peeps. Sadie does not seem to mind being that she is sick 24/7 anyway.

Julian misses having me home when he gets off the bus, but as usual, he just rolls with the changes and accepts it for what it is. It amazes me I have raised him to be this adaptable.

My weight is not enjoying my job. My body screams at me to take it for a walk, get on some sort of exercise equipment, or sometimes, to just stand for a few minutes. I have neglected this body for so long, I forget it is there. Which is hard to do when the fat won't stay put and you find yourself in sweatshirts so baggy that The Incredible Hulk could get into the shirt and share it with you. Maybe someday I will kick him out, but he is comfortable and protects me for now.

So really, that's all you have missed since my last bloggity blog blog. My life is filled with good and bad. My journey to my happy place is slow, but I will get there. When I do, I will share it with everyone.

A life wilted away. For farmville peeps only!

So, it's been a really long since I have blogged about anything. To get me back into the swing of it, I thought I would blog to my dear Farmville friends...

I don't know about all of you, but I am losing interest in this game. Maybe because I have reached level 70 and now I am just planting to get my masteries. Maybe it is because the game has got so ridiculous that I am embarrassed that I play still. Or, it could be because all the cool decorations cost real money to get, and I do not have real money to buy toilet paper, let alone spend it on a game.

Let's talk about this gamer's unite application many of you have. I have seen a lot of people complain and delete neighbors over this. WHY?? Are you seriously going to sit there and get mad at these people? YOU??? The same people that have hit your refresh button so many times that you do it in your sleep now? How is sitting on the feed all day, refreshing so you get every egg and collectible, any different that having a tool that does just that for you automatically? Think about that and then if you are still mad, maybe you should quit playing.

Apparently, Zynga has lost over 4 million farmille freaks recently. I have no idea why. Well, wait, maybe I do. Maybe because your game has gotten so out of hand that people are disgusted. Maybe because you cannot fix all the problems. Maybe because you keep adding stupid homes that cost 20 dollars to buy. Come on. We are simple people. Give us crops to master, fun decorations that are cheap, and quit with the stupid coming soon stuff. Coming soon in farmville terms means 5 months to me. How about you?

I do not fertilize anymore. I do not send gifts anymore. They have made it entirely too tedious to do so. It isnt fun, it's a pain in my ass. I plow, plant, harvest, tend to my animals and trees. I keep feeding those damn dogs we all begged for and they do nothing special. Co-op? Seriously? Give me more room on my farm for the decorations I might earn if the people in the co-op know what they are doing. Then I would love to participate.

Basically, I keep playing because I already invested all this time into it, and I want to say someday that I got all the masteries. Thats the only reason why.

Why do you all keep playing?

RIP Salt

Due to the fact that my father got me a Wii and Wii fit for xmas, I am now unable to complain about all the weight I have to lose. I have to do it. No excuses, no waiting until this happens or that happens. I will not give up anything I like though. I just will cut down severely on those things. I love food. I love to cook. I love to eat the food that I cook. I like my food to have flavor and I like to eat seconds if the food is really good. I realize that a lot of what I eat is not healthy but I don't care. I take pleasure in salty steaks and buttered popcorn. Don't even try the psycho-babble stuff with me. I know why I eat. I am a bored, stay-at-home mom who sometimes stares at the fridge for no reason.

So now I have the wii fit and it will not sit there gathering dust. I refuse to go into the summer at this weight. I wont tell you my weight, but I will tell you this. When you step on the wii fit, and your avatar puffs up right in front of your eyes, you know you need to do something.

So, like I said, I am not giving up the foods I like. I will however, give up seconds. I will give up heaping bowls of ice cream, 10 shakes of salt, 5 cups of coffee, and 3 cans of a soda. I will drink more water, and take in less caffeine. I will not eat tons of cheese, I will not eat bacon every Saturday. I do enjoy lots of healthy, low calorie foods, so I will eat more of those.

This won't be easy and it will not be a quick fix. There will be days that I fall off of the fat wagon. But, I have a closet full of jeans and nice summer clothes that I refuse to throw away. I will wear them again. I will only throw them away when they are too big for me.

Ode to April

Because April did, and because I have not done one since 2007, I present you with my 2009 year in review!

January
- started off crappy because i was pregnant and alone again. i could not enjoy the holidays no matter how hard I tried.
- my mom bought me a car.
- my mom paid for me to go to school to become an emt.
- my mom took my son and I tubing. that was a lot of fun.
-hung out with april a lot.
- hung out with nick a lot.

February
-turned 30! would have liked to have a big blowout for that, but couldn't due to pregnancy which was also causing me to gain massive amounts of weight.
-best valentine's day i can recall was spent with April. lots of laughter and that old woman with her slippers just killed me.
- going to school every monday and wednesday. it was a nice distraction and being that i was not ( still am not) working, it was nice.

March
- attempted to quit smoking
- found out i was having a little girl.
-went to see NKOTB with April. My mom gave me the tickets for my birthday.
-i dont remember anymore of March.

April
- doing better with the no smoking.
- still going to school. happy spring is coming.
- julian started t-ball and i loved it. so did he.

May
- had not smoked for over 3 weeks until the beach trip.
- went to Va beach with my mom and julian. it was my last vacation with just my son before his sister arrived. ;
- got extremely sunburned on said vacation and had a hard time moving for most of it.
- my mom got us pool passes for the summer and we anxiously await the day we can go.

June
- finished school and graduated. I am an EMT. now i need a job doing that.
- my mom threw me a baby shower and it was great.
- spent a lot of time with julian. loved it.
- spent a lot of the time at the pool.
- could not wait to have my baby.
- julian graduated from kindergarten.
- lennon turned 7.

July
- went to the hospital and came home hours later. false labor.
- walked a lot with april and it hurt
- the walking helped though, and i gave birth to my daughter sadie.
- learned how hard it is with a 6 year old and a newborn.
- did not sleep much.

august
- became closer to renee and keondre. love them.
- relied heavily on my friends for support. they all were great to me and my family.
- julian turned 6.
- sadie started sleeping more. thank you oh merciful one.
- julian started first grade.

september
- its been seven years since lennon left this earth.
- i am really missing julian now that school is back in session.
- getting used to having two kids finally.
- almost went to see paul mccartney in concert.
- had a lot of mommy melt downs.

october
- still missing julian and find myself angry at his father all over again. not enjoying that.
- my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew come here for halloween. we had fun and it was great to see them.

november
- still not receiving child support for my daughter
- my grandmother had a fall and is not doing well
- first thanksgiving that i cooked for my family. even my dad showed up. it was nice. i was a little mental in the beginning, but i got over it and enjoyed myself.

december
- sadie's first christmas
- shopped a lot, got a lot, spent very little money, and i am proud damnit.
- found out that my brother and sister-in-law are expecting another baby! yeah!
- sadie sits up on her own.
-first holiday show at julian's school. loved it. wonder how many more i will attend in the next few year's?
- big snow and i enjoyed playing with the meyer's kids in it.

Things to look forward to:
- getting a job and going back to work
- watching my kids on xmas day
- julian playing t-ball and possibly basketball again.
- going to the pool all summer.
- sadie's first birthday
- having a big blowout this year for my birthday.
- losing weight.
- the birth of my niece or nephew
-visiting family i have not seen in a long time
- hopefully getting to see dave matthews this summer. paul mccartney too.
- the series finale of Lost. what will we find out?????
- getting laid. WHAT. WHO TYPED THAT?

I must add that my mother gets the MVP of the year award. Without her, my year would have surely not been as good.


this blog is not proper today due to the fact that i should be doing fifty thousand other things. do not get angry about my lack of capital letters and such.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR. i hope to write more in 2010,